I have seen several different posts on several different groups lately. Some want to know what the “politically correct” terminology for certain aspects of adoption are, and others have had someone say something very offensive to them.
Here are some very common ones:
Johnny was placed for adoption. Not given up or given away. Another way to word this would be Johnny’s birthmother made an adoption plan.
I have three children. Not I have two real children (or children of my own, birth children, biological children) and one adopted child.
Suzy is Sally’s birth mother (or first mother). Not real mother. NEVER use the initials BM for birth mother!
Timmy is a child with special needs. Not handicapped.
I am Joey’s mom. Not adoptive mom.
Mary was adopted. Not is adopted.
Have you done a search for your birth parents? Not do you ever want to hunt down your real parents?
Freddy was born to unwed parents. Not Freddy was an illegitimate child or Freddy was a bastard child.
Henry is developmentally delayed. Not Henry is retarded, slow, stupid, etc.
Suzy joined our family through international adoption. Not foreign adoption.
All of this assumes that you WANT to give information to people. It is perfectly acceptable to answer only the questions you want to or to give simple answers to strangers. After all, this is your family.
Some people don’t realize how rude some questions sound, or what the “correct” language is. You may take the time to correct or educate them if you want. Many people who are not in the adoption community don’t deal with terminology on a regular basis and don’t hear the language very often. They may be behind the times and don’t mean to be offensive. Other people just don’t care what they say.
One question that is fairly common and can be highly offensive is:
Couldn’t you have kids of your own?
It is offensive on so many different levels. It implies there is something wrong with adoption or that children who are adopted have something wrong with them. It also implies that there is something wrong with me because I adopted a child.
Yes, in my case I can’t physically carry a child, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a mother. Giving a child a home was important to us than continuing to battle to have a biological child. Other parents have chosen adoption in addition to having biological children, and still others chose to pursue adoption and not pursue having a biological child, even if they are perfectly able to conceive.
There will always be people who make rude statements. Some don’t know any better and we can help to educate them, and others are just plain rude and nosy. It’s up to each person who to handle the rude ones.